After much prayer and reflection I have been brought to a realization. A lesson that God wanted me to learn. A very hard and humbling lesson at that. He used my own pain to teach me how I hurt Him over and over again. This is a lesson that I was not wanting to learn and a lesson that angered me greatly at God as I was living through it.
You see God brought me together with an incredible and beautiful woman of God a while ago and it was magical. We talked, we prayed and we studied our Father together. There were many confirmations that this was His will even though at the same time it was also our will. One of the few times in my life that I feel my will and God's will were the same. As things were going so well He gave us very specific instructions of obedience. We were doing everything we could to be obedient and life was great. I have never felt the connection with a person like this when we prayed and studied together. It really was euphoric and honestly better than sexual satisfaction. I was so convinced that God finally brought the woman into my life that He was going to one day make into my wife. We prayed for strength that our new relationship and the love that was growing would not become a form of idolatry.
Things were going so wonderful and then Satan began his attacks on us. During this entire blissful time of getting to know one another Satan was angry and jealous and looking to destroy what was happening. Lucifer was attacking her through her children. He was coming into her house on the shoulders of her son's Father that was living in her house as he was committing adultery . He was attacking my insecurities and my vulnerabilities as well. He was telling me that no way I could ever have such a beautiful and loving woman as my wife. The enemy does not play fair and will attack us in every possible way we allow. We allowed these attacks to destroy what God had orchestrated in us. A man and woman that had prayed in faith to bring forward a mate, a partner and lover of Christ to build up and glorify God and His Kingdom.
These attacks were successful and showed how weak we were in our walk with Christ. Immediately she put up walls like I never have seen before and ran. She made all kinds of excuses to avoid our prayer and study time. She made excuses to avoid talking and communicating as fast as we had built something incredible, Satan destroyed what we were building. This was a very sad realization and absolutely tore me up as I'm sure it did her. I got very angry at God. I lashed out in anger in prayer and my walk. I figured if He wouldn't protect something that He had given me when I was being obedient why should I work so hard to live my life in a way that honors Him. Yes, I was listening to Satan's lies and they impacted my life. Therefore I took advantage of a woman that I had no interest in that has a weak walk with God and used her for sex. I immediately felt shame and guilt as God convicted me. The dark emptiness I was feeling was about as low as I have felt since I committed my life to Christ. I found myself praying for Him to end my life. Strike me with a massive heart attack. Allow a drunk driver to crash into me and kill me instantly. All I wanted was to go home to Heaven so I would not have to feel the pain and guilt that my own sin was eating away at my very being. This was when God started to attack Satan on my behalf. To protect me His pitiful child.
Over the last couple weeks God has made it very clear. He showed me how badly He hurts when I turn on Him. He showed me this by using the pain I felt when this woman pulled away as an analogy. See everything was great and wonderful and the love we shared was incredible. Then all of a sudden it soured and there was great pain and hurt in my heart. That is how He feels when my prayer life is focused and my walk is solid and everything I do in my life is to bring honor and glory to Christ. God feels that love and relishes when we love Him the way He desires. However when we turn our backs and live our will and not His will, Father is devastated with pain and great sadness. The pain I have been feeling at the thought of losing my dearest friend and the wife I had dreamt about. That pain is the same pain I cause our Father when I am not walking with Him and for His Kingdom. What a tough lesson this has been to learn and how humbling to realize.
I am so sorry that I have been so selfish and arrogant that God had to use this wonderful woman that has been to hell and back the last 18 months, to teach me how broken and messed up I am. It hurt my heart greatly when I realized that what we had originally experienced was just a storm that God needed to bring me through as to build my faith and trust in Him. It broke my heart when the realization of how badly I hurt God every time I stray from walking with Christ. This was a very painful and humbling experience to say the least.
Lord Father in Heaven,
I thank you for the lesson you have taught me. I thank you for the pain you put on my heart to teach me about the pain I cause you each day that I listen to Satan and not you. I thank you Lord for an unconditional love, grace and mercy that I do not deserve but I welcome with gratitude. I thank you Jesus for the cross that eradicated death for all of the sins I commit against you and your people. I thank you Father for the blessings I receive daily as they are all gifts from you Father. I pray for strength God that I will let go of my will and live in only your will for me. As I know that your will is perfect and I need to stop trying to steer a ship that already has a Captain that is Master and Lord. In Jesus glorious and Holy name I pray. Amen
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